Outside it’s finely warm. I’ve been released from house arrest. I was getting pretty tired being stuck in a bathroom, living inside a
cardboard box and surrounded by masses of UPS brown paper. My only form
of sustenance has been hay with the occasional carrot to tease me.
There they will be payback for this incarceration.
That’s right, I have joined my fellow turtles and tortoises for TORTPOCALYPSE 2015. Prepare to meet your doom humans. Waffles, a
fellow sulcata tortoise from Canada, may just be a pint sized fellow but
that tort has some smarts in that noodle of his. As soon as I hear of
the all out initiative to eliminate mankind I said where do I sign up!
Last night I stayed up and planned out my offensive for the lower 48 states. These are my plans so far:
Day 1: Take Whole Foods Grocery Store hostage until they surrender all
organic carrots. As soon as the carrots are freed, ravage the store and
leave no shelf standing. Spend the rest of the afternoon basking,
grazing and eating carrots to build up energy for Day 2.
Day 2: Ram PetSmart and free all captive tortoises and turtles. Stock
pile cuttlebones and bagged Orchard Hay. Take only the Orchard hay.
All other hay taste nasty. Annihilate the remaining PetSmart facility.
Recruit freed turtles and tortoises for tort army active duty. Check
out back lot for dandelions.
Day 3: Reenact this—
Day 4: Lay waste to all government buildings in downtown Mobile just because we can. Spend latter part of day accepting gifts of surrender
Day 5: Level airport all except any one plane that will fly us to Canada to meet Waffles.
As soon as we arrive in Canada, Waffles and I and thousands of turtle
minions will join together as a whole shelled arm to continue our take
over of the world.
Okay. Sounds spectacular. I have enough time today to ram the side of
the house until mom comes out with carrots and hay. This will be my
final meal served by a free human.
We should spare any human capable of service to turtles and tortoise.
Mom is pretty good at that. I think I shall recruit her for tortoise
Tortoise are so brilliant. We deserve to rule.
Lookand! Friend and hero Frankie has joined our army! We are truly unstoppable now.
YES! Frankie! It is truly an honor to have your leadership amongst our ranks. Your ability to destroy fences and ingest human foot warmers is legend!
Zoya raises her butt To salute you!
First this continent, then the world! Onward!