open-the-cages:

Ironically, I have yet to meet a tortoise who is slow. 

This is Casper, my three stone “bodyguard”. He can cross the huge reptile room (25 feet) in less than 10 seconds – pretty impressive considering his huge girth. My littler friends are even  faster, they just have a much reduced stride. There’s nothing funnier than seeing one of the little hermann’s trying to chase a sulcata. 

You should see how fast they are when you put their din dins down on the other side of the room.

they just let the stereotype of being “slow” persist so we’ll be less aware when they take over the world. #turtpocalypse

For those of you that love comedy television and movies, as I’m sure you know I do, may will argue with me on this. Though Parks and Rec and 30 rock remain in the co-position for favorite shows on TV, and in a room filled with Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, Wil Arnett, and so many other incredible people…

the TRUE STAR of The Comedy Awards as far as we’re concerned is in fact: THE LIVE TURTLE (which is actually a tortoise from what we can tell and appears to be a he). Look at those little legs, the stretched out neck, the way it stretches out its arms gives the world the side eye as if to say “BOOYAH IM A STAR”. Thats a tortoise with talent and we applaud it. 

(Zoya would like to offer her talents for any future appearances in award shows, tv appearances of any kind, film as well.. her resume and head shots are available upon request.. )